Monday, May 10, 2010

At goal weight...

From March:
Most women have a variety of sizes in their closets. They have "fat" jeans and "skinny" jeans. I really don't have that any more. I waited as long as possible before buying winter clothes, to see if I could maintain the weight I'd reached in the summer. But it got cold quickly this year, in October, and I was freezing. So now I have two sizes of clothes, but only a few items in each. I have found it frustrating to try and remain exactly at the smaller size (size 4, 137 lbs). When I bought the bigger pants (6) I was going to have them tapered at the waist. Basically my thighs are a bigger size than my stomach. But I didn't out of fear, and thank goodness for that because now I need the room.
So I have decided to stop being so adamant about staying at one particular size. It's too difficult. I gained a few pounds (5), mainly due to my refusal to be hungry any more, and to a very sedentary winter. I still do my morning exercise, but after that it's butt to minivan, desk chair, a couple hours in kitchen, and then relaxing in bed. In the warmer, lighter months I'm likely to take a walk at work in the afternoon, take a walk in the evening after work, etc.  I did start doing stairs again in the afternoons with some colleagues, so that should help, but winter is just a more sedentary time than fall, spring and summer.
I wrote the above post a couple months ago, but didn't post it as it seemed kind of bordering on obsessive to me. I think the reason it seemed slightly not-so-healthy mentally is that I wasn't really there yet and was typing the words to convince myself. Now rereading it, it doesn't seem so bad. I believe the difference is that a) I lost a couple pounds due to the increased spring activity I predicted and b) I've just come to terms more with the fact that I had reached a pretty unsustainable place. When I wrote the above I still felt a little like I should get back to a 4. I was irritated that I had wasted money on some size 4 clothes, especially since I had stayed there for a good 5 months or so. I didn't like the love handles Natasha so helpfully noticed had come back (I wasn't just imagining them). But a loose size 6 for someone who is almost 5' 8" is plenty thin. And truth be told my face and neck looked too chicken-like at a 4. And I can do a boat-load of military-style push-ups!

So now I feel I've really made it - not just physically, but mentally too. You know how reformed alcoholics or smokers or gamblers will say that they are still addicts, but just in remission, or whatever term they use? I don't feel like that. Getting there mentally wasn't too much of a challenge, luckily enough. I never had an eating disorder, and I wasn't an emotional eater. But now I really feel very comfortable around food. Parties and other social events don't stress me out. When I overeat I know I'll get back on track. I still loosely track but I don't get tense if I can't determine how many points my soup is. I don't have lots of pernicious cravings. I hate feeling overly full. I love working out (although not to the level of I-want-to-throw-up, like my husband). I'm not intimidated by physical challenges. I don't expect that I will put the weight back on. Maybe I really did turn into "one of those skinny girls who can eat whatever she wants".

I didn't really start out with a goal weight. I just kept at my regimen until I stopped losing and plateaued. Then I went back up a bit, after deciding I would no longer accept being hungry, and because it was winter. Now I have, and am at, a goal weight, of 140 lbs. I truly don't want to weigh less than this, and that is a good feeling.

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