Youth

A few weeks ago I was home with the kids on one of their many days off from school. I decided to take them to the mall to get some spring shopping done. We were about to go someplace warm for spring break and they needed some clothes that fit. I was feeling really run-down from a nasty, but certainly not out of the ordinary combination of viral and bacterial infections. I had my hair in a particularly severe and unflattering half-pulled up, kind of position. I was dragging myself through the mall, propped up on unhealthy doses of Advil, sporting an oversized black t-shirt and yoga pants.

Natasha, on the other hand, was at her youthful, uber-confident, excited best. I tried to recreate the image above, but she looked even sassier with the Gap sunglasses - the ones above are mine, and more sedated. She had picked out a sleeveless black dress with silver adornments, and was wearing it already while we were looking for bathing suits. I was ok with the black, but vetoed a leather jacket and she was of course angry with me about that. She found some sunglasses and put them on too. In the dressing room she looked at herself in the mirror, instinctively pulled the neckline into a stylish mock turtleneck. She conveyed an image of pure confidence and style. We all stared in the mirror. There we were, a contrast in everything. She looking beautiful, vibrant and diva-ish...much more mature than 7. Me looking old, haggard and a shambles. I did not look fat. But that was little consolation. Alex was just goofing around and admiring his cool sister.

I decided to get my act together: go to the doctor, get some antibiotics, insist upon some rest, and pull myself together by showering, styling my hair, and putting on half-decent clothes. And I vowed to treat myself to a pre-vacation pedicure.

I don't really have a larger point to this post. It was just one of those out of body moments where you realize life is imitating art. It really was a stereotypical movie-like moment. The contrast between young and old, the odd camera angle of the fitting-room mirror. The no-words-are-necessary turning-point image that speaks 1000 words. The image staring back at me in the mirror is seared into my brain. I was really pretty shocked with my appearance. And it didn't matter that I'm massively fit and at a great weight. A person still needs a comb and some make-up and to get out of the jog bra sometimes! I don't always look like that. Today I'm healthy, my hair is clean, I'm wearing a nice bright colors, my outfit is coordinated and even, shockingly for me, well accessorized.

And as for Natasha, I wonder how many more years of bathing suit shopping we have before she starts over-criticizing every part of her body. Currently she is only interested in the pattern and cut of the suit, the skimpier and flashier the better. I had to veto a black and pink leopard-print bikini at Lord and Taylor. When will she imagine fat thighs and a big booty? She may always be happy with her body, as she does a lot of exercise and her self-confidence is remarkable. But that would be the rare exception and I don't expect it. I don't think she'll hit the 9-yr-old self-confidence dip that is so well documented. But you never know. If she does, I will imagine that diva image of her in the Gap dressing room throughout her tween and teenage years and hope it returns when she hits the more reasonable age of post-adolescence. By then I'll be old and just wanting grand kids.

Some random helpful links....

Just some stuff I've come across...

Back to the granola discussion...this recipe actually does not have much added sugar or fat - pretty ingenious making a banana into a binder for granola. Still has a fair amount of calories, but much better. And why not get your calories from a banana and walnuts, which have so many nutrients, as opposed to canola oil and sugar.


An article about meal planning and coupons
I found it interesting, even though it's obviously not for me. I'm way too lazy for all this planning.

Finally - for all the iPhone geeks - a timely roundup of recipe apps.

At goal weight...

From March:

Most women have a variety of sizes in their closets. They have "fat" jeans and "skinny" jeans. I really don't have that any more. I waited as long as possible before buying winter clothes, to see if I could maintain the weight I'd reached in the summer. But it got cold quickly this year, in October, and I was freezing. So now I have two sizes of clothes, but only a few items in each. I have found it frustrating to try and remain exactly at the smaller size (size 4, 137 lbs). When I bought the bigger pants (6) I was going to have them tapered at the waist. Basically my thighs are a bigger size than my stomach. But I didn't out of fear, and thank goodness for that because now I need the room.

So I have decided to stop being so adamant about staying at one particular size. It's too difficult. I gained a few pounds (5), mainly due to my refusal to be hungry any more, and to a very sedentary winter. I still do my morning exercise, but after that it's butt to minivan, desk chair, a couple hours in kitchen, and then relaxing in bed. In the warmer, lighter months I'm likely to take a walk at work in the afternoon, take a walk in the evening after work, etc.  I did start doing stairs again in the afternoons with some colleagues, so that should help, but winter is just a more sedentary time than fall, spring and summer.

I wrote the above post a couple months ago, but didn't post it as it seemed kind of bordering on obsessive to me. I think the reason it seemed slightly not-so-healthy mentally is that I wasn't really there yet and was typing the words to convince myself. Now rereading it, it doesn't seem so bad. I believe the difference is that a) I lost a couple pounds due to the increased spring activity I predicted and b) I've just come to terms more with the fact that I had reached a pretty unsustainable place. When I wrote the above I still felt a little like I should get back to a 4. I was irritated that I had wasted money on some size 4 clothes, especially since I had stayed there for a good 5 months or so. I didn't like the love handles Natasha so helpfully noticed had come back (I wasn't just imagining them). But a loose size 6 for someone who is almost 5' 8" is plenty thin. And truth be told my face and neck looked too chicken-like at a 4. And I can do a boat-load of military-style push-ups!

So now I feel I've really made it - not just physically, but mentally too. You know how reformed alcoholics or smokers or gamblers will say that they are still addicts, but just in remission, or whatever term they use? I don't feel like that. Getting there mentally wasn't too much of a challenge, luckily enough. I never had an eating disorder, and I wasn't an emotional eater. But now I really feel very comfortable around food. Parties and other social events don't stress me out. When I overeat I know I'll get back on track. I still loosely track but I don't get tense if I can't determine how many points my soup is. I don't have lots of pernicious cravings. I hate feeling overly full. I love working out (although not to the level of I-want-to-throw-up, like my husband). I'm not intimidated by physical challenges. I don't expect that I will put the weight back on. Maybe I really did turn into "one of those skinny girls who can eat whatever she wants".

I didn't really start out with a goal weight. I just kept at my regimen until I stopped losing and plateaued. Then I went back up a bit, after deciding I would no longer accept being hungry, and because it was winter. Now I have, and am at, a goal weight, of 140 lbs. I truly don't want to weigh less than this, and that is a good feeling.

The more I learn the more I follow Jackie

I have a pretty good rotation of DVDs, as well as jogging, kickboxing, running up my hill, etc. Here is what I have come to believe. Let's assume you're eating an appropriate amount...say 1300-1600 calories a day depending on your goals and situation. To compliment that, in terms of exercise, I believe Jackie Warner is the best, in terms of getting a toned muscular body. Jillian/Bob/Biggest Loser in general are good at burning calories. I like to mix things up as much as possible. But I do make sure to do the intense but short JW upper and core to make sure to keep those muscles very defined. I think it's her "the right function, with perfect form, working to almost complete fatigue" motto that works so well. Even almost a year later, I kind of like listening to her narrate when doing the DVDs.

Lately I'm even more of a Jackie cult member. Last week I saw Jackie on the Joy Behar Show (a very embarrassing sentence for so many reasons) and she and some other doctors were discussing Jillian's comment about never wanting to put her body through pregnancy. Jackie said this. "It's simple, if you exercise before you get pregnant, eat properly and exercise while you are pregnant and exercise after you have the baby you will take the weight off" Now she didn't say your boobs won't sink and sag and your skin won't be stretched out, but she had a good point. One I REALLY wish I had followed!!! But I am where I am, saggy boobs and all-Bra-llelujah by Spanx helps a lot!

She also admitted that after a certain age, really lean people do tend to wrinkle more in the face and she even noted that her grandmother told her that at a certain point you need to choose between your face and your body. Joy quipped that we have Botox for that, implying it's better to stay thin.

OK so this whole post is a little Hollywood but it was timely because I had been assessing the differences between the various workout approaches, and all in all, I do think Jackie is the fastest way to the best results.

Before and after part 2

I was looking for this picture when I did the initial before and after pages. For years, I kept this picture on the side of my car door, hoping it would one day be my before photo. I wanted to cry every time I saw it. I was so unhappy with my body there. I weighed more than my husband. I was kind of annoyed at the person who took it. Why was she doing that to me? I knew it would be bad. I picked up Alex to try and cover myself up. I should have just let him stand in front of me.

At any rate, I found it recently when looking for another photo. I thought I had finally torn it up in frustration and despair one time - I kind of even remember the conversation I had in my head..."This will NEVER be my before picture so why not accept that fact and stop torturing myself?" But obviously I hadn't. Or maybe I had multiple copies.

Well the contrast speaks for itself. The first picture got a little stretched in a file conversion, but it's pretty accurate. I have to include the after bikini shots again so as not to gross myself out. I look almost identical to the pics from last summer now but of course, another year older...and maybe 2-3 lbs heavier but I'm not sure.

Salads...

I usually find recipes for salads to be kind of silly. In general, I am satisfied with the combinations I think of on my own, and moreover, I believe salads should be based on the conditions of the day. Meaning, a salad should be a some combination of expressing a craving for a specific ingredient as well as reflecting what is in the kitchen and needs using. But I can get into ruts and additionally, often enough a recipe comes along that I would never have thought of myself. Or they can re-inspire me to pursue an odd-ball ingredient. One example is above. I will try this shortly, as I think it looks lovely. It is from Not Eating Out in NY, which has a lot of very delicious, but far too complicated-sounding recipes. The woman who writes it cooks/blogs for a living and has no kids, so she has all day and night to peel turnips into perfectly symmetrical ribbons. One place where I could really benefit from some good recipes is with the dressings. I'm very uncreative and lazy about dressing. It's practically a New Year's resolution of mine to improve every year, and I generally fail. But often the dressing is really the flavor you take away so it's really the most important part. And salad dressings, like baking, really do benefit from some exact proportions. I should work on my dressing-making proclivities.

As for my daily lunch salads I just try and have a whole host of add-ins available in my pantry and refrigerator. It always surprises me when people comment that my salads look good, even though it happens all the time, and has been happening since the high school cafeteria salad bar days. Isn't making a salad just putting things in a bowl? If I do have a knack for making extra-yummy salad combinations it may be due to my overzealous food-shopping habits, along with my tendency towards bulk weekend cooking. When I go to one of those fancy salad-bar restaurants I often note to myself that I have almost all the ingredients from their 20-foot prep table in my own tiny kitchen. But good salads also come from balancing sweet with salty and sour, and mushy with crunchy.

So the following could be either blazingly, irritatingly obvious or somewhat helpful...here goes....

Lettuce:

I buy all kinds, and this week splurged on a $6 bag of mixed greens at the Bethesda farmer's market, feeling kind of silly. However, upon eating them this morning, I found them to be so tasty and fabulous that I'll go back each week. I didn't even want to cover them in dressing and I was eating various pieces with my fingers so as to better enjoy each individual flavor. 

In the winter a shredded cabbage is nice and hearty. The low-water content makes it pretty filling. Sounds rabbit-like, I know but I've come to like it with a strong citrus-y or Asian dressing. I have also been enjoying pea shoots and other funny overpriced micro-greens. If I buy romaine lettuce I usually chop up 3 days worth on Sunday or Monday. I need to start trying more things like shaved fennel and other overlooked root vegetables. Somehow pulling out a mandolin seems overly labor-intensive for a weekday morning (do I even have one?), but it can happen sometimes...

Protein:
I always have some cooked chicken, pork, hard boiled eggs or fish, as well as tofu, lentils or beans. I also have cooked frozen shrimp in the freezer that just thaw during the morning if I put them in. I often use more than one protein.

Grain:
I also usually have something like quinoa, wheat berries, couscous, or brown rice cooked and in my fridge. If not or if I want something separate, I'll add a nice hearty whole wheat bread on the side, with a slice of cheese or peanut butter.

Veggies:
Lately I have been not using many other veggies aside from the greens, except for a bell pepper. I've been turning my attention to some added fruit.

Fruit:
I love a little fruit in an otherwise savory salad. Orange wedges perk up salmon and hold their own to a mustard vinaigrette. Apples are a nice sweet and crunchy balance to plain chicken and a fruity vinaigrette. Pineapple and mango are fantastic as well, especially with a grainy salad. The other day I had a salad that was almost equal parts quinoa, arugula and mango. It was fantastic even though it had a bit of an identity crisis appearance to it...kind of not a grain salad, and not a green salad. I don't usually put dried fruit in my salads as I find they are added calories that I don't taste that much. The juiciness of actual fruit seems much more special in my sad little office.

Nuts/seeds:
I have a huge selection of seeds and nuts on hand at any time: pistachios, walnuts, almonds, cashews, peanuts, pine nuts, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, soy nuts. I usually prefer to keep the nuts separate - so better to really taste and crunch them, but seeds in the salad for an extra crunch. Perhaps it's just mental game-playing, but a handful of walnuts on a salad seems like a salad, whereas a salad with a handful of robust walnuts on the side seems like two separate dishes, and hence a bigger lunch.

Cheese:
Generally I don't put cheese in my salads. Perhaps a bit of blue or feta but not usually. I like to savor the cheese on its own or with some bread.

Dressings:
Again - I'm admittedly bad at making dressings. I do however, have a plethora of flavored vinegars and various oils at my disposal that I sprinkle (ok, pour) on top. I try to match the flavors to the ingredients in the salads. I have pomegranate glaze, balsamic glaze, rice vinegar, apple cider vinegar, orange champagne vinegar, olive oil, grapeseed oil, sesame oil, truffle oil, peanut oil, etc. I try and make creamy dressings with real mayo and non-fat Greek yogurt sometimes. I love homemade blue cheese dressing when I get around to making it. It's kind of labor intensive to mush up all that blue cheese but well worth it (mush equal parts blue cheese, yogurt and mayo together, thin with milk as needed). The other dressing I make sort of regularly is a kind of Thai peanut/lime/soy staple (peanut butter, soy, brown sugar, lime, rice vinegar, ginger-check online for ratios).

_______________________
For an upcoming party I'm making a bean salad I made up. Dead simple. (That's my Jamie Oliver impersonation)
Equal parts black beans, edamame and red kidney beans. Dressing is grapeseed oil, orange champagne vinegar (from TJs - other light vinegar would do) and some cumin and lime. Delish, beautiful, cheap and a real crowd-pleaser.

Mark Bittman app

For those of you who have iPhones...

Mark Bittman has released an app of his "How to Cook Everything" cookbook I have been enjoying - even Dave says he will use it! Even as a recipe non-user, I do refer to recipes and cook books to figure out how to put things together. This app is great to have in a supermarket - suppose you decide to try cooking fennel...just type it in and get a bunch of recipes, and save yourself a second trip to the store...or if you're at home and decide you want to pick a few recipes for the week, you can easily drag the recipes into the "grocery" list and refer to that at the store. It may add silly things like salt, but it's of course easier to ignore extra ingredients than forget the vital ones. I also like that he has a range of types of cuisine in his cookbook, with plenty of Asian choices. There are all sorts of other useful components too, such as a "basics" section, including 16 simple tofu sauces, and some dishes he considers standards. Certainly $1.99 well spent!