Saturday, March 7, 2009


The other night I came home really hungry. I ate some curried bean soup, probably 3 points, and then had a few crackers with peanut butter standing up over the counter. I didn't pig out, but I wasn't measuring points either. I was going for 2-3 points, which I had left in my 'budget' for the evening. I ate about 10 tiny tiny crackers and 1-2 teaspoons of peanut butter. Anyway, that night I had a dream that I was lounging on a couch, in a Jaba the Hut-like state, slathering stale French bread with peanut butter and nibbling down half the whole loaf. I was just slowly eating it and counting points, up to 20 something. During the dream I had the feeling of an addict who had fallen off the wagon after months of sobriety (I think-I've never been an addict). Somehow I knew that I had descended upon a path back up the 16 pounds and I was profoundly sad and disappointed in myself.  I woke up I thrilled that it was just a dream. I'm happy that I did not fall off the wagon, but not so happy to have my subconscious taken over by um...neurosis. Maybe not neurosis, but rather a massive fear of failure after enjoying such progress. Nothing is such an external battle as dieting. If I stop succeeding, not only will I feel like a jerk, but everyone else will notice too - how mortifying!

Sometimes lately I get really hungry and I eat a little extra. I'm trying to be normal. I stopped weighing myself as I find the slow weekly progress too frustrating. I'm planning on throwing out more clothes, mainly because they're so out of style I can't look at them. But replacing them has proven pretty hard! I'm increasingly annoyed at all the $58 yoga t-shirts with some dragon on the front. I have yet to bring myself to purchase one.

After the Jaba the Hut low two nights ago, I had a high today, while, believe it or not, walking into the grocery store. I saw my reflection in the glass door looked it up and down and thought, "Hey that woman is wearing the same clothes as me!" I actually didn't recognize my own reflection. Wow! I mean, I still have wide curvy hips, but they're much improved. Let's see if I can keep it that way. 

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