Why do I have all these old clothes?

For some reason I have clothes from a really long time ago. I mean really long. In fact, for some reason, I have my junior prom dress in my closet. Not in the basement closet but in my room. That has to change. I was hesitant to throw perfectly good clothes away just because they didn't fit. What if one day they did? Well now lots of them do. I try them on each week, in lieu of a scale, and take an odd trip down memory lane. Of course, as most people could probably have predicted, even when the clothes do fit they don't look right. They're not cut quite right for this era, or they've been washed too many times, or they are itchy or something. I wish I'd thrown them all out years, even decades ago. I'm building a pile of clothes to bring to Good Will. I would like to throw them out because I don't like them, not because they're too small, but it really doesn't matter at this point. So now some clothes are too big, some fit perfectly, some are still too small, some I'm just sick of, and some are hopelessly out of style. What's a girl to do?

Starving!

Oh good lord I was starving all day yesterday. Not a little hungry but 'can't concentrate' level hungry. I ate what seemed like a big breakfast of an egg and extra egg whites on toast but it wasn't enough. I tried to have a small snack of 1 point of oatmeal and an apple but that just made me hungrier. For lunch I treated myself to a 5 or 6 point sushi roll and that helped for a while. Abigail and I did our stairs and then the hunger started all over again. I ate the 3 point sandwich that was supposed to be lunch when I normally have a 2 point snack at that time. Still starving. Finally I ate dinner at 5:30, vegetarian chili, whole wheat pita chips and a yogurt with some orange slices. Not horrible, but I ate too many pita chips. I made them myself so they're not terrible. I had a hard time figuring out how many points the chili was. I guess now that I'm writing this I didn't eat as much as I thought, but I did eat more than normal. Maybe 23 instead of 21. But that is enough to make a difference if done repeatedly. Bummer. 

Seeking support I told my husband, "I was starving today. I couldn't stop eating." I suppose that made it sound like I ate a big piece of pie or something. Earlier in the evening while he was sitting at the kitchen table and I was preparing the next day's lunches in sweatpants and Uggs he had said in complete disbelief, "Half your ass is gone!" Why does he notice at the oddest times and the grossest outfits??  At any rate, later on when I confessed/complained that I "couldn't stop eating" he said, "Well you better stop or your ass will come right back." I can't quite convey how furious I was. 

So in a scene right out of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" he expressed complete confusion and exasperation at my angry reaction. He honestly thought his comment was supportive and had no idea what I would have preferred he said. I suggested, "I'm sorry you were hungry. Don't starve yourself." A few moments later he did give me a hug and dutifully/mockingly recite the script I prepared for him. My anger switched to amusement. At least my husband still looks at my behind!

I'm skipping the food log as it's mainly above.

Why now?

Today Dave and I went out to lunch and I was so fascinated by my own reaction. I didn't want any of the fattening vaguely French brunch options. The heaviness of them was annoying even to read on the menu. I almost asked to leave. I thought for a moment that dieting had completely ruined my ability to enjoy myself. Then I calmed down and ordered a salad with chicken. Usually I don't order such things at restaurants as I go to restaurants very infrequently and like to treat myself. But eggs benedict or Nutella french toast was just out of the question. Salad and a latte would have to do as a treat. The salad arrived. The chicken was freezing and hard. There was tons of blue cheese. I got the dressing on the side but ate a fair amount of it. Delicious home made Caesar. But I wasn't tempted by any of the fresh baked goods (the place is called Bread and Chocolate for God's sake) and I didn't even eat the chicken or most of the blue cheese. I just don't want to eat a big heavy meal anymore. The guilt is just not worth it. I've lost 15 pounds and don't want to screw it up. I suppose this is maturity. Or maybe it's just that the chicken wasn't very good. At any rate the pork loin with sauteed veggies I made for dinner was much better and took some restraint - as did stopping at one cookie for dessert - but so much less restraint than at any time in the past. Why is that?

I believe it's pretty well understood that dieting is 100% mental. Currently I have the mental resolve to eat properly, and to slay the temptation a cupboard full of cookies could be permanently taunting me with. I'm trying, but not that hard. As the wise sage Kathy Griffin once said (paraphrasing), "The difference between me and Nicole Kidman s that if I have a box of Twinkies in my cabinet I'll obsess about eating them the whole day. I assure you Nicole Kidman never gives the Twinkies a moment's thought." The cookies really are not bothering me and if they do I have one or half of one. So why now?

I'm not really sure, except that I'm ready.

One time in my twenties I was in a salon getting my hair cut when a woman in her 40s or 50s was talking to my stylist. So obviously I couldn't help but listen. She was very put together and fit. She was talking about her 6 mile walk that she did every morning. This was in Boston mind you. It's COLD in the mornings in the winter. I said something like, "How do you make yourself go in the cold and dark?" Now I didn't know this woman, and she said to me with what I perceived to be resolve, and perhaps a drop of pity, but not a hint of condescension, "As you get older you realize that things just work out better if you're disciplined." Of course that's not such a revolutionary statement and I certainly saw my parents live disciplined lives but something about her demeanor really stuck with me. She was just so calm and accepting of that fact. And she seemed to know that I would one day understand.

Fast forward 10 years.

I think I was motivated to start dieting because I was actually worried that I wouldn't be able to complete the prep for the colonoscopy. That is, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to control my hunger for a day. I imagined a scene where I woke up from the anesthesia, groggy and disoriented, in an inherently mortifying situation, only to have the doctor chastise me for not cleaning my colon properly and wasting everyone's time. This nightmare-daydream really did spur me into action. My prep was fantastic. Humiliation averted (I mean, sort of). In addition, having a colonoscopy 2 weeks into a new diet was extremely helpful in getting a quick successful start - even though not eating for 24 hours was miserable.

So early success makes it easier to stay motivated. At least for now. The real hard part comes when that motivation (euphoria?) wears off. Sigh.

food log

breakfast

1/4 whole wheat bagel with cream cheese

coffee milk

orange

(forgetting something.....)

lunch - 2pm after Slumdog Millionaire

large salad with Caesar dressing, some blue cheese

low-fat latte

2 medium croutons

dinner

sauteed peppers and onions

pork loin -4 oz

small amount pasta with squash sauce (less than 1/2 cup) because....

picked at a bunch of stuff while cooking - BAD!

dessert

chocolate chip cookie - small

exercise

aerobics in bedroom, about 30 min

Much better day

I really think it's all about breakfast. I noticed that yesterday, when I ate too little at breakfast I couldn't ever really eat the right amount again for the rest of the day. Today, I brought a Greek yogurt to work, which I couldn't look at, as I've had so many of them, so I went down to the cafeteria and asked for 1 egg on 1 piece of all natural bread toast (yes they have such a thing at a government cafeteria). I didn't get into the butter with the woman making it and sure enough she put butter on the toast. Not a ton. I happily ate the slightly buttery concoction. It was beyond delicious, and best of all I wasn't hungry at all until lunchtime.

Lunch, snack and dinner were all the right size, I believe, although I was a bit confused about how much tilapia to eat. I guess not too much according to this article.

I've noticed that when I have a day like yesterday, where I feel like a total failure, hungry, not managing things well, slightly loony, then I tend to have a much more balanced day the next day. This is good as if I had many of those crazed days in a row I'd turn into a cranky monster. And today I even got two compliments from my husband - one a post on this blog and the other after dinner, "You look really different." Ummm...thanks?

food log

breakfast

coffee with milk

aforementioned toast with egg

lunch

salad with salmon

low-cal bread with laughing cow cheese spread (not so good on the Michael Pollan 'Eat real food' mantra but it's filling and cheesy!

afternoon snack

cottage cheese with carrots and tomatoes

dinner

tilapia with mustard sauce - embarrassingly store bought from TJs and fatty sauce -I scraped it off.

whole wheat pasta (stuffed into 1/2 cup measuring cup)

sauteed veggies

dessert

3 oz Oreo yogurt

exercise

770 stairs

arm/lat weights

sit-ups

Day of hunger and craving

Today I was hungry most of the day and craving sweets all evening. Very difficult. I didn't eat enough breakfast, by accident, and then was starving for lunch by 11. I had a little extra food at lunch but it didn't make up for how hungry I was. I borrowed an apple from Emily so that I would have energy for my stairs, and ate my afternoon snack on top of that when I was done. I made dinner early and kind of guessed at portions sizes. I thought I was being tricky by mixing a trader Joe's Peruvian white rice mixture with plain cooked (fiber and protein-rich) lentils, but I think I ate a lot of points anyway.  I thought I totally overate, but perhaps I didn't eat enough as I was craving dessert like crazy. Very frustrating. Must go back to more careful measuring. Just when I thought I had the hang of things!!! I just want a big, filling, fattening meal right now, full of fat and sugar, and no measuring!!! Any why is my son awake? I put him to bed an hour ago! Must go act stern.

Food log

Breakfast

2 slices low-cal bread with one slice ham 

coffee with milk

mid-morning snack

handful Kashi Go Lean

lunch (at 11:45)

Salad with 3oz salmon, 1/2 cup lentils, 2 tbs dressing

1/4 cup dry oatmeal - eaten when still hungry after salad

afternoon snack 1

apple - begged co-worker for these

5 almonds - begged another co-worker for these

afternoon snack 2

90 cal Greek yogurt, 1/4 cup Kashi Go Lean (obviously it's in my desk)

dinner

2.5 oz Korean beef 

3/4 cup Peruvian rice/lentil mix from TJs (really guessing here)

dessert 1

3 strawberries

dessert 2

10z fruit leather

exercise

770 stairs

100 push-ups from knees

Body Image Reversal

One time when Dave and I were first dating we went out with my much older cousin, his wife, and their two friends. These people had 5 kids (3 disabled) between them, and among the other warnings about parenthood was, "having kids ruins your figure." Now of course I found this whole evening terribly depressing. No travel, no money, no time....and irreversible body damage. Of course everything they said proved to be true. For the most part lately my complaints have been about overall size. But now that I'm even a tad smaller, my old issues of things not fitting well due to pear proportions is again an issue. And now my mid-section is so post-partum looking, even many years later (I have 2 quite disfiguring stretch marks incurred in my last 3 days of pregnancy with Alex). I know a little surgery would take care of both these issues, and if we were flush with extra cash I can't say it wouldn't be tempting. But as for now, I'm finding the prospect of losing weight only to be confronted with an almost 40 year old body, as opposed to a 30 year old body to be quite disheartening. The good part is that I'm more mature, less self-involved, and I know that worrying about one's body image is a luxury I don't really care to spend too much time on. My kids are healthy, my husband loves me, etc.

However, we all want to look at least somewhat attractive. The other day I pulled out some pictures of myself on a trip to Key West with Dave, just before we got engaged. I knew that was when I looked my best so I was going to use them as an incentive. I mean, a picture of a supermodel would just be silly. I will never look that way. But perhaps I could use my 26 year old self as a marker. Alex found the pictures and said, "Mommy, why did you make your tummy not like that any more?" I thought about permanent psychological damage for a second and then threw parental caution to the wind and said, "Because you got in it!" Not so nice. I also added sheepishly...and I don't exercise enough...and I eat too much. He giggled (guilt assuaged) and then thought some more and said, "I want you to put it back like that." Ahhh the innocence of children.

I'm growing bored with the food log. I'm keeping track on my iphone. I will note if I have trouble staying on target, but most days I do alright, and I tend to eat a lot of the same foods over and over. I would imagine this gets boring to read!

online resources

A sort of hum drum weekend day. Same old foods for breakfast and lunch. I made a wheatberry/lentil salad for dinner with broccoli, onions and a bit of feta...that's as much food log as I have patience for.

I've been messing around with my iphone a lot and here are my favorite online resources and iphone apps...

Livestrong's The Daily Plate (both a web site and iphone app)

This is a great site because the web site syncs with your iphone so you can enter things whenever and it syncs to both places. Also very great because it has a wiki-database of foods. So for example, if someone enters a certain kind of Trader Joe's bread, then it is in the database for everyone to see. Fantastic concept, but usually unverified. It tells you if it's verified. Nice that you can search by brand name, "Face, Greek yogurt." Another nice feature is that you can make meals of a few foods and then just add the meal. Very laborious at first, but if you are a creature of habit and eat similar foods over and over, it is easy.  Also - this tedium is much more appealing on the iphone when you are say, stuck at a red light. 

BAD - only counts calories, fat, protein, carbs, fiber, but NOT Weight Watchers points per se. You can also add exercise in the same way you add food. But put in a goal of 1200 calories, and that's pretty close to a typical Weight Watchers goal.

iwatchr (iphone app)
Go to Itunes and search for "points calculator" - I know there is a way to link to an iphone app, but I'm too lazy to figure it out.

This is a Weight Watchers points calculator, but not authorized by Weight Watchers. Good b/c you can just enter the calories, fat and fiber and get points, but bad because there is no database of food to choose from and no website to sync up with. So you have to manually go to the label of the food, if you have it, and enter the info. But good for checking out how many points something is.

fat secret (website)

Similar to the Daily Plate, but has the nice added benefit of listing Weight Watchers points for foods. Bad that it does not have an iphone app counterpart - yet.

Of course there are thousands more. I used to use one that tracked all the nutrients - every vitamin, etc. but I can't find it now.